What am I feeling? It is a whole bunch of emotions all mixed into one right now. Mainly I am feeling that this is unfair. I know I have brought up this point a 100 times over again but why couldn't someone else go?!?!? As Scott was checking out of his office for the final time on Thursday, one of his coworkers, an Army E-7, told Scott that in the 17 years he's been in the Army, he has never once been separated from his family. Fair? I don't think so... He might not have been promoted as far or received as many awards or accommodations as he might have had he been more outgoing with his assignments but the fact that he has been able to make the decision (and that the Army has let him) to stay with his family along the way is SO not fair. This is where I stick my tongue out at the Marine Corps.
Second of all, I am feeling underestimated (much like I feel at work every single day that I actually show up). Almost everyone we encounter makes a point to offer there assistance in Scott's absence. They are mostly people that either work with Scott or work with me and know Scott... Some are also friends, neighbors (or both in some cases). While the gesture is kind and noted, I question whether or not these people would actually step up to the plate if something did happen and I really needed something. I am half tempted to call up some of these people and say "you know how you said to just call if I ever need anything? Well, I need my oil changed, a few random grocery items, and $30 for a pedicure. What time should I expect you?" Maybe that is a little asinine but I do wonder if their offers are truly genuine or they are just saying it to feel like the hero/heroine. With the excessive amount of people offering their assistance, I wonder if they think I am completely helpless. I know there are a few people out there that I will be able to count on if I ever need anything and for those of you reading this- Don't worry, I won't be afraid to ask for help when it is needed.
Now for the sadness and loneliness (as I type this through the blurriness of my teary eyes). I know what loneliness feels like. I have been away from Scott before but we were only a short flight away. I was reading Parents Magazine the other day and they had an article titled "The Things No One Ever Told You About Motherhood". The first item was dead on: LONELINESS. While most would think that having a child instantly gives you company since you are technically never going to be alone anymore you can become somewhat isolated. For the first few weeks it is hard to get away to even shower let alone socially interact and if you don't have friends with babies born within a few months of yours these outings are usually just for shopping so you really aren't being social at all. The article said that some women count down the minutes in anticipation of the spouse returning from work only my spouse will not be returning. I can sit there any converse with Hudson until I lose my voice but I won't have the interaction that I need to feel whole. I had the option to quit my job, put everything is storage and move to my parents house in NC to save money but this would almost completely isolate me and potentially make me crazy. As much as I love Hudson, now of all times I will need to adult to adult interaction that I receive at work.
Finally, I am feeling brave. I know this doesn't go along with the other emotions I am feeling but its what is inside of me. I don't feel like I need to keep telling myself everything will be ok and that I can do this. Bravery and strength isn't even a deep down feeling inside of me- it is right there on the surface. The military and other jobs have been separating families for a long time and for periods a lot longer than 12 months with a lot more restrictions than we will have. I know some of these families (especially the wives) and I am a lot stronger than they are. The next 12 months will be hard. My heart will break every day when Hudson wakes up and runs into our room looking for his Dada (more tears). I will feel loneliness like I have never felt before. I will worry about Scott every single day until he is back. And I will get through this.
So what am I going to do to occupy my time (and mind) for the next year?
1. I am going to start going to the gym (spare the laughter cuz I actually used to go religiously for a while while I was in Switzerland). I am going to start off slow. My plan is to walk on the treadmill or elliptical during lunch 4 days a week for 45 minutes.
2. I am thinking of taking some classes at NVCC to start the dental hygiene program. For those of you who don't know, I am hoping to become a hygienist. While my BA is in Business Admin, it isn't really a career path that can go easily with the military where as health care careers do.
3. I am going to become a time management expert. Right now I am a procrastination expert but with becoming a temporary single mom, I will need to really plan ahead and remind myself that the trash gets taken every Monday and Thursday and stuff like that.
4. I am going to save money. That is my main goal. Scott will be making so much extra while he is away so there is no reason for us not to be saving more than we are already. We have been living very lavishly the past few months so once he is in Japan, it will be time to tighten the belt so that we can hopefully buy a house at our next duty station.
Now that the tears have dried and I feel like I have gotten a lot off of my chest, I am going to help my husband pack his bags so that we can fall asleep together tonight. Thank you all for your support for the last few months and for the next year. While not all of you are biologically related, you are part of our family and I hope you feel the same way about us. Please pray for Scott as he travels half way around the world. I will update all of you once I hear from him Monday. If you'd like his mailing address, email address, or telephone number, please send me an email and I will forward it on to you.
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